Ever think, “I don’t have the time?” No time for yourself, no time for your partner, no time to finish the things that need completed. Feel completely unorganized? Feel like you’re on a slippery road with your feet completely sliding around, feet not planted on the ground. Trying to juggle things with the 5 hands that you don’t have, your brain working enough for 3 people, being pulled in numerous directions?
Imagine standing in the middle of a centered cave with 6 tunnels surrounding you – kids, partner/marriage, day job, side business, self-care and house/property maintenance (these can be different of course based on who you are)….now dissect those even more. Not only are you looking at which tunnel to travel down first, but now you’re thinking about all the possibilities, priorities, stressors and potential conflicts that come with that decision. Determining how much energy you have to work on one of them, you end up just working on auto pilot to protect yourself. You want to travel down all the tunnels but what if you get lost traveling down one while the other crumbles away? Sometimes you feel like you’re a piece of putty or taffy being stretched as far as you can without breaking. So, if you had to choose right now, which tunnel would you travel down to prevent it from crumbling away? I’ll tell you mine – partnership/marriage.
What’s the first step though? How do you clear away all the pieces that have crumbled and keep continue to build your tunnel? My first step is looking at the specific pieces that had fallen. Examine them, organize them, realize how many times they have fallen, recognize and determine if you can afford to put them back or put something new there. Once this is done, you can now choose your tool to continue to dig farther and farther. Which tool would you use? Would you use the same one that you started with or something new? Something sturdier? Stronger? More efficient? You will never know unless you try – and this is where most people’s anxiety comes into play. They don’t want their tunnel to crumble again, so they are scared to make the wrong choice. This is where people backtrack, turn around and choose another tunnel that isn’t crumbling and easier to travel down. Sometimes, this decision is okay to regain yourself, but you MUST remember to come back and work on it, little by little. If this type of effort fails, this is when most people get in flight mode, let their tunnel become completely blocked and just run on autopilot for the other 5. When this happens, usually some type of issues start to develop within relationships and within yourself. Eventually, all of your tunnels will crumble if the decision to let them become blocked is the choice that is made. We all need some type of balance and that looks different for everyone.
Now, I want you to look at this picture…what do you see?
As I was sitting here to get some work done, I’ll tell you what I saw:
- They actually dressed for the occasion of being out of the house
- They immediately smiled and said hello to all the staff (even the UPS guy!)
- They individually got their coffees
- No phones/newspapers/book/puzzles
- BOTH couples are sitting facing each other indicating that are actually engaging in conversation
- Each couple are turned towards each other meaning they are interested in their partner (body language is everything)
- Each couple had small but adorable gestures toward each other during the conversation
- Eye contact
- They laughed
- No crossed arms
- They took turns talking, no interruptions
- They all nodded in terms of active listening
- COMPLETE 1 on 1 undivided attention
- THEY SHOWED UP FOR EACHOTHER
That last point in important! They showed up for each other….sounds easy right? So, why is it even easier to not show up for each other? Why do we get so lost in the process of “life”? There is a quote that I hear often amongst people – “You can’t take care of people if you can’t take care of yourself” or “You can’t serve someone from an empty cup.” I have lived by these words for a long time and unfortunately, not only did almost TWO of my tunnels suffer, I suffered myself. After all this time, I’ve learned that the roles are pretty much revered, with 1 exception. Boundaries. Setting boundaries for yourself is crucial. I suffered myself in terms of focusing solely on things that didn’t matter, my prioritizing skills for my life were completely unbalanced, I was putting effort into research for things that weren’t even part of my current life (and never would be). I’m going to be honest, I wasn’t going to put in the effort…I was just daydreaming (most of the time). I wasn’t living in the moment (and I’ve always been that way!). Looking at all the pieces that had fallen within my tunnels, I am not putting any of them back. I’m throwing them into a discarded pile and creating new, undamaged bricks to make sure my tunnels are sturdier than the first time. Shall I choose a different tool to dig my tunnels??……Probably not. I’m a Taurus and I’m stubborn/very determined.
Setting these boundaries, you will be able to work on ALL of your tunnels with minimal stress/worry that one will suffer. If done right, your tunnels will have minimal crumbling due to the earthquake that rattles when stress and anxiety come into play. Let’s keep our ground strong and solid!
At the end of the day, putting in the effort, stopping yourself to think, analyzing your actions, recognizing what condition your tunnels are in, creating a plan to manage the pieces, the tools, the WORK… can you afford not to put in the effort to keep yourself and all of your tunnels from crumbling? Make. The. Time.